That's Smee in the corner - REM watching Hook
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 4, 2015
this one has claws
This one swims but can't fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
- god making birds
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 18, 2015
A lack of female role models is exactly what stopped me from going into the ghostbusting industry
— Jewel Galbraith (@jewelfg) January 30, 2015
You're glasses lenses are just going to transition and I'm not supposed to say anything
— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) February 11, 2015
*Lady rolls down her car window at 181st street*
"congrats on HAMLET!"
Me: "I WISH I wrote Hamlet!"
Lady: "Yay HAMLET!"
*drives away*
#myday
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) February 19, 2015
I feel like 20% of Julie Andrews' days is waiting for standing ovations to be over when she enters a room.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 23, 2015
approximately 12 of you are hydrated to my standards
— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 5, 2015
Someday I'll be telling my daughters about the time we all slowly switched allegiance from Tina Fey to Amy Poehler.
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) March 10, 2015
every single republican candidate for president looks like they would pick mario in mario kart
— leon (@leyawn) April 7, 2015
*mom puts hand on son's forehead*
SON: Do I feel warm?
MOM: Huh? Oh, no I just didn't want to see your forehead anymore. I hate it.
— Rob Tanchum (@tanch) April 29, 2015
Hard to take war seriously when every country has their own fancy song
— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) May 3, 2015
End every argument by whispering "Don't believe me? Ask the dishes" in a subtle Lumière accent.
— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) May 12, 2015
my boggart would definitely be a spider that could only be defeated by me calling a stranger on the phone and leaving them a voicemail.
— Hailey Mae Samuels (@btwhaileymae) May 13, 2015
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 26, 2015
If we could bottle the chemistry between Rosie O'Donnell & Madonna in A League Of Their Own we could power the fucking sun
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 2, 2015
Jurassic World would be 1000 times more interesting if Chris Pratt's and Bryce Dallas Howard's roles were reversed.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) June 11, 2015
look i'm the exact personality of like a fat old cartoon mouse who was once a rascal
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 22, 2015
"I need you to stop partying and take care of your family"
Umm wow more like anti-social worker
— ♡Handsome Tweet Guy♡ (@SortaBad) July 2, 2015
Taylor Swift brought out stricter gun control laws as a surprise at her concert last night!
— Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) August 27, 2015
Man Against Gender Neutral Bathrooms Exposed to have Gender Neutral Bathroom in Own Home
— Smol Blue Friend (@RynnyRyn) September 6, 2015
Probably the first time a question has been answered with: "Either Ivanka Trump or Rosa Parks."
#GOPDebate
— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) September 17, 2015
Is it wheelchair accessible https://t.co/Aua4DMd6Ep
— Lauren Collins (@Lauren_Collins) September 18, 2015
I'm not catholic, but I do believe that bread is people.
— matt prindle (@GriefBison) September 29, 2015
- much ado about nothing
- 2 much 2 nothing
- much ado 3: toyko drift
- much nothing
- much 5
- much ado 6
- nothing 7
— Gold Mantis (@fujichia) October 1, 2015
Can someone just tell Dr. Ben Carson that it's called "performing surgery" not "stabbing"?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 13, 2015
One of the best things about all the stuff at the park is that the name is also instructions.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 6, 2015
Donald Trump is a fan of the New England Patriots and nothing in this whole dumb world has ever made more sense than that.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) December 14, 2015
I bet centaurs would be so good at dressage but they'd be very offended if you asked them to do it.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 18, 2015
