Thursday, March 06, 2014

Hilarious History Vol. 1 - The Tennis Court Oath


The year is 1789. For context's sake, it is a few years before the French people will start singing about whether other people hear them singing and a little bit after those across the pond demonstrated their dislike of tea by throwing it into said pond. So, as you can tell, it was a time of great revolutionary fervour. 

The place is France. No need for context here, I assume you know where France is.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Shirby's Laws

Undeniable laws of nature set down in print for the first time. 

There is no non-disgusting way to throw out gum.

You will always be able to find the episode of Saved by the Bell where Zack has a knee operation somewhere on TV if you look hard enough.

Nobody is socially confident in an elevator.

When listening to music on shuffle:
If you do not skip any song, you can tolerate all of them.
As soon as you skip one song, you skip 95% of them.
If someone else is listening, you skip 99.8% of them.

Dry glitter will become glitter glue when it makes contact with skin or floor.

The optimal amount of Chicken McNuggets to eat in one sitting is, unfortunately, seven.

It is physically impossible to win the bonus round of Supermarket Sweep.

Reading this sentence will make your eye itchy.

Chocolate Milk through a straw tastes 17x better than Chocolate Milk not through a straw.

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Furious George (Guest Post by Asher Lurie)

Shirby's Dream World is proud to present a guest post by none other than Asher Lurie (aka the brother). Once thought of as Henderson Avenue Public School's most promising writing talent, Asher has provided a thrilling tale of friendship, triumph, heartbreak, and ultimately, redemption. He reminds us with both humour and humility that even victory can end in defeat.
- SL

George throws rock 


There are moments in life that change you. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But as they happen, you know that the inner workings inside of you, the true essence of your being, has been irrevocably altered. It is in these moments that you are able to see who you truly are. And I, my friends, am a fool. A damned fool. Here is my story:

Monday, January 20, 2014

Code Red

The following events are true and unaltered. 

My grade ten English teacher, Mrs. O, was a cross between Professor Umbridge and the Trunchbull. By that I mean, she was self-righteous, cruel, and enormous.* Her class was so tortuous that each seventy-five minute period felt like a life sentence, so much so that by the hour mark I was usually contemplating the humanity of capital punishment. I tell you all of this so that you understand the complete jubilation the class felt when she told us that there would be a code red drill during this period the next day. God had smiled on us: we had been given a fleeting respite from Mrs. O's tyranny and we intended to savour it. 

My artistic rendering of Mrs. O

A code red occurs when a dangerous person causes a threat to the school, like a shooter or a bank robber on the loose. (The latter actually happened the following year and we had a REAL code red). Much like the mandated procedure in case of nuclear holocaust, students and teachers are meant to take to the ground for safety: hide in a corner, turn off the lights, lock the door. At least, that is what you are meant to do. Mrs. O had an entirely different plan. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Taking the Power Back


ICE STORM!!!


Friday, December 20 Always Be Prepared 


19:00 Lynne reminds the family that there is an ice storm coming tomorrow expected to cause major power outages. David replies that they currently possess only half a container of salt for the driveway. Shael comments that they do not have a flashlight at their condo. Not a Boy Scout among them.

Saturday, December 21 We are Powerless 


11:00 David and Shira go to Canadian Tire to pick up salt. They briefly contemplate getting emergency supplies for a prolonged blackout, but opt for a quick getaway instead.

21:00 David, Lynne, and Shira settle down for a quiet evening of Breaking Bad.

21:34 BLACKOUT

21:37 David and Shira resort to their second favourite and doubly as cool Saturday night activity: backgammon (by candlelight).

21:55 The power comes back on. David and Shira decide to blow out the candles. Shira demonstrates why she is widely considered one of the greatest comedy minds of her generation by proclaiming that they should each make a wish. David foolishly states ALOUD, "I wish the power would stay on."

21:56 BLACKOUT

22:30 The threesome retire to their cooling beds and endure a night filled with the bangs of tree limbs falling and the mystery of how Walter and Jesse got out of their current jam.
Damage sustained after Saturday night

Sunday, December 22  There and Back Again


11:30 Shira awakens to a lunch of everything that can possibly be eaten from the fridge. After much debate, it is decided that everyone is too cold to eat the rapidly melting ice cream. This is one of the toughest realizations of Shira's young, but sensational, life.

11:35 Asher mutters sleepily from the couch, "...Power's out on Championship Sunday..."

12:00 David transitions into crisis survival mode, which happens at least once a blackout. He and Lynne empty the fridge and freezer into two plastic bins and stick them on the deck outside. There is generalized discussion as to whether the bins are wildlife proof. Lynne generously states, "The squirrels are welcome to it!"

The Lurie attempt at ingenuity. Note the ice cream on the right
13:30 The gang decides to take a nap in a desperate attempt at hibernation. Nobody makes a "power nap" joke and they are all upset at having missed the opportunity.

16:00 They awake to a very cold house and courageously decide to flee to higher ground (Dani and Shael's condo). But not before attempting to "cold proof" the house with scientifically dubious ideas, such as closing all of the blinds for insulation, running hot water through all of the taps, and tucking in Buzz Lightyear under three blankets.

16:30 Unable to open the garage, they are forced to take Shira's car that has been assaulted by freezing rain for the last two days. It is coated in an inch thick layer of ice. It takes over twenty minutes to clear off enough ice to see out of the windows and open three of four doors - all done on a driveway that has been converted into a skating rink. Also, they don't have skates.

David attempts to revive a frozen Finn without falling
16:55 Our heroes begin a treacherous car journey, forced to negotiate icy roads, downed trees, and nonfunctional traffic lights.
Attack of the Ice Trees: A film by Tim Burton

17:25 They arrive at Dani and Shael's condo. There are no spots in visitors' parking, so they are forced to park illegally in an empty residential spot. They have a bad feeling about this. *foreshadowing*

17:30 They greet Hallie who seems resigned to the reality that she will have to share her house with more people than usual tonight. She retreats first to her bath and then to her crib as an escape from the commotion.

17:30 Dani drives Lynne across the street to Lisa's apartment in Shira's car. She parks in visitors' parking, but only tells Lynne. *more foreshadowing*

21:30 Lynne calls Shira with reports that power may have come back on in their area according to the Markham Powerstream hotline. They attempt to confirm this information by calling everyone they know in the area, including Shopper's, Pizza Hut, and Food Basics. They regret not being friendlier with their neighbours.

22:15 Despite mixed reports, and a particularly discouraging estimation from Mike at Food Basics, they decide to take their chances and head back home. David and Shira go down to the parking garage to retrieve the car and pick-up Lynne. Not knowing, of course, that Dani parked in a different spot, they reenact a favourite Seinfeld episode as they scour the parking garage for their car, fearing it may have been towed.

22:30 In a fit of desperation, David attempts to convince Shira that a Nissan Sentra is her Honda Civic since they are both blue.

22:40 They find the car in visitors' parking. Weak with relief, they curse Dani's name and embark upon their treacherous journey home, forced to negotiate icy roads, downed trees, nonfunctional traffic lights, and Cosmo in the backseat.

23:15 They arrive home to a house with power! Buzz Lightyear is cold, but in good spirits.

23:16 Shira plugs in her phone and checks Twitter. Asher catches up on football. Lynne and David make tea.

FIN


Cast of Characters
Shira - The Hero
Asher - The Brother
Dani - The Sister
Lisa - The Sister II
Lynne - The Mom
David - The Dad
Shael - The Brother-in-Law
Hallie - The Niece
Cosmo - The Hound

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Best Tweets of 2013


Tuesday, December 03, 2013

UPDATED: The Best Unintentionally Awkward Moments in Musical Theatre History

I will add to this list as more occur to me. But for now, bask in the following unnecessary awkwardness that has graced the Broadway stage. 

Ragtime 
Look What You've Done - 1:23
Father: Sir, if I might suggest -
Charles S. Whitman: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Father: .............you sent for me.
Why does Whitman freak out like that? He literally loses it completely and then it is never mentioned again. So awkward and unnecessary.

Les Miserables 
Plummet Attack - 0:31
Thernardier: Who is this hussy?
Babet: It's your brat Eponine. Don't you know your own kid?
Dude just called his own daughter a slut. He literally didn't recognize her from two feet away. 

Upon these Stones (at the Barricade) - 1:47
Army Officer: You at the barricade listen to this! No one is coming to help you to fight. You're on your own. You have no friends. Give up your guns or die!
You have no friends? So harsh. 

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Prologue - 0:08
Narrator: Some folks dream of the wonders they'll do before their time on this planet is through. Some just don't have anything planned. They hide their hopes and their heads in the sand. Now I don't say who is wrong, who is right, but if by chance you are here for the night, then all I need is an hour or two to tell the tale of a dreamer like you. We all dream a lot - some are lucky, some are not.
This lady builds you up just to bring you back down again. These vague proclamations are such a weird way to start the show. It then leads into Any Dream Will Do and don't even get me STARTED on that - what is that song even about?? The whole thing is a bit of a head-scratcher. 

Pharaoh Story - 0:46
Narrator and Chorus: When Pharaoh's around, then you get down on the ground.
Narrator: If you ever find yourself near Ramases, get down on your knees. 
Hahahahah.....hahahha...ha

13!: The Musical
Getting Ready - 2:16
Kendra: If he does it and I let him -
Lucy: You're a slut.
Kendra: Right.
Right? RIGHT?? Listen to the finality of this line delivery, too. Also keeping in mind, of course, that these kids are thirteen.  

Rent
Goodbye Love - 2:04
Mark: I hear there are great restaurants out west.
Roger: Some of the best. How could she?
Ok, Roger, I get that you are upset over Mimi, but why the crazy non-sequitur? Mark's making polite conversation, maybe go with it for more than a second?