Bonus fun fact: for the second year in a row, one of my favourites is a tweet about "Ice, Ice, Baby"
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) January 5, 2014
Operators are standing by. Untold numbers of them. In shadows. The forest grows dark with operators.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 14, 2014
my tuffet brings all the spiders to the yard
— ditch witch (@knifesex) January 17, 2014
I bet the worst part about being a painting that hides a wall safe is that you KNOW your owner doesn't consider you one of his valuables.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 19, 2014
Ultimately the decision rests with his girlfriend. RT @nytopinion: Should Pope Francis rethink abortion? http://t.co/2Pzk5L3EHV
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 25, 2014
welcom to yesterdays meeting of time travel club. darryl u missed next week's meeting is everythimg going to be okay?
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 25, 2014
*comes out from under your car on a slidey board* looks like your main problem was this slidey board.
— Sadvent (@crylenol) February 4, 2014
Sochi: come for the Olympics, stay because you died.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) February 6, 2014
Freudly, my dear, I don't give a dad.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) February 6, 2014
Charlie Brown's teacher was actually talking into a trombone. She's insane.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) February 19, 2014
You'd like a glass of water? You mean a dead snowman?
— TooManyJMCooks (@J_M_Cook) February 21, 2014
Updated my apps. Barely recognize them. Finally understand the song "Cat's Cradle."
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) February 28, 2014
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 5, 2014
Look, I'm still going to help rob the bank. I just wish you'd asked if I already had a ski mask before you bought me one.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) March 9, 2014
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 20, 2014
Put your hands in the air if you're a wolf! No. All of you with hands get out of here. Wolves have paws it was a trick.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) March 27, 2014
The leading cause of death in 1926 was being hit by a spinning newspaper graphic
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 29, 2014
See you drivin round town with the girl I love and I'm like "seat belts"
— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) March 30, 2014
Casper The Dying Child #RuinACartoon @Midnight
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) April 1, 2014
“@OfficialSAT: @maudeapatow Don't be nervous! We like connecting on Twitter with students :)” back off. She is dating her driver's test
— Judd Apatow (@JuddApatow) April 2, 2014
If someone has bothered to make a two-hour documentary, the least I can do is believe everything it says
— Noëlabelle (@LolaSikes) June 7, 2014
The most fucked up thing is that if humanity just lived by the first line of Ice Ice Baby most of our problems would be fixed.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) June 9, 2014
*takes a bite out of crime* *spits crime out* "WHOA DOES THIS HAVE GLUTEN IN IT?"
— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) June 12, 2014
If somebody tells you they gave you the best years of their life, it's like wow. "The best?" I guess you never did any youth theater.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 4, 2014
Just heard Bryan Cranston do the voiceover in a Pennzoil commercial and never realized how brilliant and morally ambiguous Pennzoil is.
— Noah Robbins (@noahrobbinsman) August 6, 2014
I only came to this party to brag about the bookshelf I assembled earlier.
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 9, 2014
cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
— YUNG SPIDER GOD (@haleysfalling) August 12, 2014
baseball catchers were originally required to wear face masks to prevent them from kissing the batter's legs
— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 22, 2014
you did a walk against cancer? thats cool... usually whenever i walk im against cancer. weird that you love it the other times but good job
— John V (@wettbutt) August 23, 2014
Big butts: do you like them? Lying: can you? Other brothers: can they deny? More at 11
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 24, 2014
I already saw Jennifer Lawrence naked in her raw acting ability
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) September 2, 2014
Our top story tonight: Are local news stations hiring teenagers to work the teleprompters? You won't believe your butts
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) September 9, 2014
Alright, Brontë. These heights had better be wuthering.
— Kate-Lyn Teresa (@KTSweet) September 10, 2014
The closest I've ever come to saying namaste was when someone asked if wanted to leave my apartment and I said naaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh i'mma stay
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) September 19, 2014
Pamphlets: 1776 - i'm gonna overthrow the govt cause what this says 2014 - i don't want your stupid pamphlet, crazy person
— Sadvent (@crylenol) September 25, 2014
"knock knock" whos there "orange" orange who "orange u glad im not a banana?" .... MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 3, 2014
JESUS: now, I'll turn water into wine GUY: misdirection. the wine's up his sleeve JESUS: don't—Luke, don't write that. this doesn't go in
— Sadvent (@crylenol) October 3, 2014
Want to know the absolute worst place to stand at any party? Follow me!
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) October 5, 2014
Moms are just cops who love you
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) October 23, 2014
Sorry kid, but everyone knows if you say your wish out loud it won't come true. Regrettably, Make-A-Wish Foundation
— Mike Miner (@minermikeminer) October 29, 2014
Baboons are God's way of saying "Look, I thought this would be just a small, simple, fun project, and now I am clearly in way over my head."
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) November 6, 2014
How'd the Special K diet go, everybody? Did we all find love?
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) November 8, 2014
getting older is basically just being irrationally angry at technology that you once thought was impossible
— a. spacemas (@adamrensch) November 9, 2014
None of us get time machines because we’d shoot an innocent kid instead of teaching him to paint.
— Karan Lyons (@karanlyons) November 13, 2014
Traffic is a social construct.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) November 19, 2014
*sits down on the train next to a fancy guy in a suit* Emails, right? You know what I'm talking about.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) November 23, 2014
"First phone who dis?" -Alexander Graham Bell
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) December 1, 2014
*Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) December 17, 2014
Ohhhhh K, I get it. THIS is the end.
— Lauren Collins (@Lauren_Collins) December 18, 2014
This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a James Franco movie.
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) December 19, 2014