The Best Tweets of 2016

Not every year is good. But there's something good in every year. Here are the best tweets of 2016.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you want to see a magic trick?
Cop: No. But... now, yes.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 4, 2016

CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan

— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) January 7, 2016

me: i love the ones that look like they're in little horse shaped jail cells
my date: those are zebras.

— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 21, 2016

Thinking it's Friday all day and finding out it's only Thursday has endorsed Donald Trump

— Shira (@shiraselko) February 28, 2016

White privilege is having to wait for an alien invasion to defend your humanity.

— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) March 9, 2016

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 16, 2016

"My work here is done."

-Yoda giving people a tour of his office

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 24, 2016

My favorite thing about making fun of Donald Trump is that it's still legal

— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) May 4, 2016

Children are the ultimate invaders: they steal all your resources & then try to convince the original inhabitants to worship their weird art

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 9, 2016

[job interview]

BOSS: and where do you see yourself in 5 years

ME: oh the world won't exist in 5 years

— Noah Robbins (@noahrobbinsman) May 15, 2016

when at a restaurant i always ask what the chef recommends so i can say "cool no one cares"

— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 19, 2016

When I boop someone's nose, it stays booped.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 3, 2016

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same

— chuuch (@ch000ch) June 6, 2016

I bet a lot of guys who don't think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

— Emily Faye (@mlefaye) June 7, 2016

Lin-Manuel Miranda always looks like he's watching his daughter's first steps

— Saint Nick Douglas (@toomuchnick) June 13, 2016

"What charities do you donate to?"

"I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."

— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) June 15, 2016

nothing beats a summer block party bbq or its UK equivalent, a council house lettuce boil

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) June 23, 2016

Ok you have my attention. What is the stock market

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) June 24, 2016

Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw

— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016

historians will look back and reflect that the release of "too many cooks" was the last moment when things were good.

— tony (@sadvil) July 9, 2016

I'm not saying that David Bowie was holding the fabric of the universe together, but *gestures broadly at everything*

— Katie Loewy (@SweetestCyanide) July 12, 2016

Wired: "Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

Amazon: "We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?"

— Rex Rizzo (@RexRizzo) July 28, 2016

Top 10 songs in musicals pic.twitter.com/fFQ96Q6Lmy

— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) August 3, 2016

The oldest cat in the world just died at age 30 and the next oldest is 27. I'm 28 and i guess I'll always be older than every cat now.

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 6, 2016

the best way to own a guy who takes off his shirt to fight you is to pick his shirt up and put it on

— Randy Bobandy (@tatertitsmcgee) August 6, 2016 

sometimes i want to add a verse to john lennon's "imagine" about a world where no one is remaking any more spiderman movies

— Hailey Mae Sam (@btwhaileymae) August 19, 2016

I write "Matt Roller" on all my stuff so no one steals it. And "is stupid" so other Matt Rollers don't want it.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 30, 2016

Trying to be successful as a woman is just a countdown until people actually decide they hate you.

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) September 1, 2016

I rarely meet men in real life as extraordinary as ones on film, and rarely see women on film as extraordinary as ones I know in real life.

— Jen Richards (@SmartAssJen) September 2, 2016

Phyllis Schlafly has apparently endorsed Trump, and died.

— Rob MacDougall (@robotnik) September 5, 2016

My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016

Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?

*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*

Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 23, 2016

Of course Trump's supporters think he won the debate, they don't even know the South lost the Civil War.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 27, 2016

So you’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice?

— Bill Murray (@BiIIMurray) October 4, 2016

Watches romance flick backwards to see an insipid woman who lives solely for a man blossom into an individual with her own life

— batkaren (@batkaren) October 6, 2016

I would like to formally apologize for calling House of Cards implausible.

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) October 9, 2016

Stop trying to make "feckless" happen

— Leif Fredrickson (@LeifFredrickson) October 15, 2016

Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he's destroying you in a rap battle pic.twitter.com/sk8MvLcTzk

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) October 20, 2016

"Honey, I know we've only known each other for a little while but-"
*gets down on one knee*
"-will you protest the national anthem with me?"

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 22, 2016

My favorite form of comedy is when a commercial is snarky about a trend we all finished making fun of four years ago.

— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) October 23, 2016

If there were actually a vast global Jewish conspiracy, I feel like I would be making more money

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) November 2, 2016

There's been an ethnic version of Barb in every horror movie, k?

— Bowen Yang (@bowenyang) November 4, 2016

straight ppl: gay ppl r forcing their sexuality onto their children
straight ppl, to a 4 year old girl talking 2 a boy: IS THAT UR BOYFRIEND

— riley (@eqonine) November 4, 2016

weird, literally 100% of the people telling me "don't say trump supporters are racist--it's divisive and we have to win" are white dudes

— Lindy West (@thelindywest) November 13, 2016

I think that lots of white ppl become animal advocates because animals can't critique their allyship lol

— Jasmine Sanders (@JasMoneyRecords) November 14, 2016

1804: Hamilton provokes controversial, widely publicized duel w/ VP

2016: "Hamilton"provokes controversial, widely publicized duel w/ VP

— Zachary Zupan (@ZacharyBHayes) November 19, 2016

It still feels weird to use social media as an American. Like, “here’s an Instagram of my lunch. I didn’t forget about the other thing tho”

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 21, 2016

They said if America voted for Hillary, Goldman Sachs would run the government—and they were right!

— Justin Miller (@justinjm1) November 30, 2016

Jesus, Mary, AND Joseph? In this economy?

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 7, 2016

What's the big deal? Trump's just coming for the trade unionists. I'm sure there's no need to speak out unless you're a trade unionist.

— Scott Lang Syne (@Doubting_Tom) December 8, 2016

not knowing how to help is the new kale.

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) December 15, 2016

just answered 'yes' to all of the questions asked at the beginning of an infomercial that turned out to be for limited mobility scooters

— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) December 22, 2016

Smash Mouth once told us the world was gonna roll us. We should treat them like the prophets they are.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) December 26, 2016