This is what my year looked like. Also, let's hope nobody tweets anything funny in the next two and a half weeks or I am going to look like a grade A fool.
ATM: "Thank you for banking with Chase." Me: "Thank you for calling what I do 'banking'."
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 12, 2013
I like my women how I like my coffee: kind of.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) January 22, 2013
I like saying the word "shelves", because it's like I'm telling a bunch of elves to be quiet.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) January 28, 2013
The photog for the opening credits of The West Wing must've instructed the actors to imagine they're being "surprised by a beautiful truth"
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) February 2, 2013
I've never met her but I feel like Kristen Stewart is mad at me.
— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) February 25, 2013
From the look of this ransom note, we know two things about the kidnapper: He's good at crafts, and he can afford nice magazines.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) March 7, 2013
"Don't do something you'll regret" he begged. But it was too late. The gunman took out a high interest loan on a house in a bad neighborhood
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) March 18, 2013
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote "AQUAMAN RULZ" all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 21, 2013
JUST SAW A VERY OLD MAN HOLDING THE PAW OF A DECORATIVE LION STATUE AND LOOKING AROUND WHAT IS HIS STORY WHAT ARE HIS SECRETS
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) April 2, 2013
"But... I can fix us!" the rocket scientist sobbed, as his wife picked up her suitcase. "Jim," she whispered. "This isn't rocket science."
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) April 17, 2013
I wish women had an easier time opening jars and a harder time opening up.
— Steve Mazepa (@zepadeedoodah) April 18, 2013
*sits down at bar looking haggard* *bartender sets down a kitten in a basket* *I fixes him with a stern look* *he pours in two more kittens*
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) April 21, 2013
everything was tacos and nothing hurt
— catherine carroll (@catscarlett) April 26, 2013
"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 29, 2013
Ugh, that's too Raven.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) May 6, 2013
The wasted women next to me at this restaurant just asked me if I'm listening to their conversation so I said "I literally just started"
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) May 12, 2013
welcome to Being A Ghost. Here are your chains for some reason
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 14, 2013
You know what else is gluten-free at this party Kayla? The door.
— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) May 25, 2013
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013
Me: (singing to 2 yo) 2yo: "Can you don't?"
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) May 30, 2013
Push the envelope? I'll take a shit in the envelope and mail it to God.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 23, 2013
[Pitching coach calls the bullpen] I don't care what the people want, send in the belly-itcher
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 23, 2013
Remember when they served free food on airplanes and everyone bitched about it? Was that our Gatsby times?
— Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled) June 24, 2013
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby All right stop, Collaborate and listen This frozen baby needs to see a physician
— Lazy Joe (@lazy_joe_) June 30, 2013
If one more restaurant serves me water in a mason jar, I'm gonna continue being quietly inspired by it
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 4, 2013
Never was so much reported by so many about so little. #RoyalBaby
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 23, 2013
*Cookie Monster finishes cookie, looks into camera* ME WANT TO TALK ABOUT ISRAEL
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 24, 2013
"IT WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!" - if M. Night Shyamalan directed Schrödinger’s Cat
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) July 29, 2013
"Like taking baby from a Candy" - Social Services
— dan guterman (@danguterman) July 31, 2013
Are black people allowed to have podcasts yet?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 2, 2013
"Hi?" -First cow being milked
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 4, 2013
🎶 Shots, Shots, Shots Shots Shots Shots, Shots. - Syria. :(
— Joel David Moore (@joeldavidmoore) August 7, 2013
Horton hears his wife's car leaving for good this time
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 21, 2013
Just got patted down by a girl who accused me of stealing her phone... Dance moves are working!!
— Matt Evans (@MortJenkins) August 28, 2013
*Biden heelys up to tornado victims* SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING COOL
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 29, 2013
He died doing what he loved, living in Syria
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) September 6, 2013
the boxing & fight sports guys spit out the water they sip because the coach is always whispering black friday tv deals in their ears
— John V (@wettbutt) September 7, 2013
“Hi, I’m Garfield, a cat who hates Mondays. But I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing ‘lasagna’ about global warming.”
— jon (@senderblock23) September 9, 2013
TOO HOT TODAY. IF YOU IN LOVE JUST SHAKE HANDS.
— DVS (@DVSblast) September 11, 2013
In an unexpected turn of "events", I'm "Steven"
— Sam_Reginerd (@sam_reginald) September 17, 2013
Random Hobbit: "Couldn't we just take eagles the whole way?" Gandalf: [immediately slits hobbit's throat] "Anyone else? ANYONE ELSE?!"
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 18, 2013
My face is too expressive to walk through Dundas Square.
— Lauren Collins (@Lauren_Collins) October 13, 2013
"Anna Karenina" is the sound my lawnmower makes when I try to turn it on.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) October 14, 2013
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 15, 2013
When I said I was a bad tennis player I meant evil
— blake (@Leemanish) October 18, 2013
"Whoa 12 Years a Slave is pretty intense. You sure you want to see it alone?" THIS WASN'T MY FIRST CHOICE OF A LIFE, ARCLIGHT TICKETMAN
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) October 20, 2013
My allergies are so bad that Chad Kroeger wants to work with them.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 9, 2013
Volkswagen salesman said a lot of their cars now run on "clean diesel." So, The Pacifier??
— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) November 11, 2013
"Stories passed down for generations or it didn't happen." - Native Americans
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 19, 2013
I invented the long-on-one-side hairstyle by insisting my stylist cut around the parrot.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 21, 2013
#LiesObamaToldUs You can tweet absolutely anything after this hashtag and it will be hilarious.
— Cindy Lou Jew (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 6, 2013
I checked tomorrow's weather on my iPhone and it just says "Russian novel."
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) December 9, 2013
Tim Burton sighs as he unfolds Helena's Christmas list to see: 1. Very small top hat 2. Very small top hat 3. Very small top hat 4. Very sma
— Nicole Conlan (@NicoleConlan) December 10, 2013