The Best Tweets of 2018

Sorry for the clip show.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018

I have this theory that cycling is as close as a middle-class straight white guy can get to understanding Being Female. People have a reckless disregard for your safety, you have to treat everyone like they might hurt you, and if you do get hurt people will blame you for existing

— Emma Hart (@Ghetsuhm) January 28, 2018

Happy Ground(hug) day! pic.twitter.com/Ee1FHT1EFO

— PEANUTS (@Snoopy) February 2, 2018

Report from the field: Masculinity still in crisis. pic.twitter.com/QVTqBWrdNJ

— honor sachs (@drhonor) February 7, 2018

La Croix tastes like the only soft drink they'd allow in a dystopian future where no one is allowed to have emotions

— Chad Vigorous (@PrettyBadLefty) February 10, 2018

A Neutral Milk Hotel is a Complicit Milk Hotel.

— Darth Vader Ginsburg (@casimerkowalski) February 19, 2018

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

— Dire Wolf (@ADDiane) March 30, 2018

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

— kimmy (@ka_waltz) April 6, 2018

My 4 year old brought found a game in our pantry and goes “what is this?” and I go “Boggle. Want me to show you how to play?” and he goes “No, I want you to show me how to win” so I guess what I’m saying is anyone can write Aaron Sorkin dialogue.

— Justin Halpern (@justin_halpern) April 24, 2018

🎶 Come with me, and you'll be,
In a world of labor violations 🎶 pic.twitter.com/STpPOlMGAm

— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) May 6, 2018

a cat is just a dog that knows their worth

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) May 16, 2018

*ska makes a comeback in 2019*
jk rowling: ron is wearing checkered vans throughout the entire 4th book

— keezy (@sour_mamba) May 23, 2018

did a spider write this pic.twitter.com/UK91QFd1ck

— Jon Savitt (@savittj) May 29, 2018

RACHEL MADDOW

There's a lot going on in the news, indictments in the Trump Russia probe, the G7 summit, Chinese hackers stealing US intelligence.

But we begin tonight 4.6 billion years ago, when a myriad of comets began delivering icy payloads of water to a still cooling Earth.

— Connor McSpadden (@connormcspadden) June 9, 2018

It’s so fucking weird that we scrape the seed pod of an orchid into ice cream and that flavor is considered plain.

— Michael Hoffman (@Hoffm) July 6, 2018

Little secret about me: my answer to the question “would you like a receipt” is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018

FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) August 3, 2018

Dang who radicalized McDonald’s pic.twitter.com/yXEAJEDjEl

— Mina (@maddc8) August 14, 2018

I drink sooo much water every day why do I still have so many problems

— Hailey Mae Sam (@btwhaileymae) August 17, 2018

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) August 18, 2018

why is this so funny to me pic.twitter.com/fUDik7CTF5

— CHELO (@chelllssseeea) August 21, 2018

Coaching dress code:

Football - Dad who plays video games

Baseball - Little kid during Halloween

Soccer - Bond villain

Hockey - Things are finally looking up for old Gill. pic.twitter.com/Dta9DxDsmX

— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) November 10, 2018

broke: debating your uncles

woke: organizing your cousins

— Kelsey D. Atherton (@AthertonKD) November 22, 2018

Start writing a book. https://t.co/98YIJVJ54z

— Isaac Fitzgerald🤞🏻🖤 (@IsaacFitzgerald) December 27, 2018

OH MAN I HOPE THEY RECOVERED BOTH OF THE BOOKS https://t.co/LnbKn37dhC

— Beto al-Assad (@AliceAvizandum) December 27, 2018

The Best Tweets of 2017

Blogger didn't save half of this post, so you only get until June. The hits of 2017 just keep on coming.

Anyway, shine on, you crazy diamonds.

I disagree w those boycotting inauguration. Many from the past fought and sacrificed to see 3 doors down live.

— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) January 16, 2017

Syrian women #WomensMarch London - they thought they could bury us, they forgot we are seeds pic.twitter.com/axo4op7sS6

— Jill Nicholls (@JillNicholls01) January 21, 2017

If there is a Muslim ban, refugees can pretend they're Christians. You know, just like Republicans do.

— Arizona Democrat (@LiterateLiberal) January 26, 2017

*considers a career in politics just so someone will call her on the phone*

— Keough Novak (@KeoNovak) February 2, 2017

republicans are the true snowflakes (they're all white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools)

— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) February 7, 2017

All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2017

this administration doesn't pass the bechdel test

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2017

FYI, men, when a woman replies to your bullshit with a sick burn that's called getting A League of Their Owned.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 8, 2017

This entire shelf of own-brand cereals sounds like an old English army Major, trying to find a euphemism for gay men. pic.twitter.com/Ah7qy8LTqt

— Alex Andreou (@sturdyAlex) March 16, 2017

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team

ME: No I'm not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 17, 2017

Cis people: gender is biological!
Also cis people: This boat is a girl.

— Red Durkin (@RedIsDead) March 22, 2017

professor gave me coins for a probability experiment and I bought a mineral water, demonstrating the chaotic components of complex systems

— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) March 30, 2017

It was the patriarchy, in the private dining room, with the glass ceiling.

— Eric Rauchway (@rauchway) March 31, 2017

"Is Arthur a POC" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,

— tony (@sadvil) April 2, 2017

I like cats bc good fucking luck with them if you don't have a clear read on basic consent cues

— Draw (@MostlyPregnant) April 12, 2017

The red states are lava.

— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) April 18, 2017

I want a man who could fight a bear but would not for ethical reasons

— Ella Gale (@hellakale) April 13, 2017

Some of the trees on the LSU campus are up to 800 years old. Isn't that incredible? They must be so ashamed of us. pic.twitter.com/ljW8AQvfRw

— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) April 25, 2017

I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.

— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017

Me from 2002: so what's 2017 like
Me, 2017: well, France is about 40% Nazis
02: Holy shit
17: also, that's the good news

— new year, new girl (@xarexerax) May 7, 2017

What I find most relatable about Ernest Hemingway is that he killed himself after living in Idaho

— Hailey Mae Sam (@btwhaileymae) May 11, 2017

it turns out the two hardest problems in computer science are paying women the same amount of money and showing posts in chronological order

— scottish foldl (@tef_ebooks) May 28, 2017

So Trump screwed up "coverage" and then deleted it?

Isn't that his health care plan?

— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) May 31, 2017

I believe in climate change and I don't even believe in myself

— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) June 2, 2017

A Political Passover

Special thanks to Rachael and Melissa for their stats and encouragement.

This year, I wanted to make Passover political.

This was the opening statement read at the start of the seder:

On Passover, we ask why this night is different from other nights. But in the current climate, it seems a more pressing question to ask is how is this year different from other years. One need not be the wise son to count the ways. So tonight, as we gather together to remember that the Jewish people were once slaves in Egypt, we thought it would be appropriate to recognize the current struggles for freedom happening in North America and around the world. We will dedicate each of the four cups of wine to a different group of people whose liberty is still limited in some way. After the blessing, one person will read a short statement before we drink that concludes with a toast for a brighter future next Passover.

This is 30

Almost Thirty

They said it was impossible. They said it defied all reason. They said only a fool would believe it could happen. But it has. Asher Lurie has turned thirty years old.

Some fans may remember Ashie as the guy who won the greatest rock-paper-scissors game of all time, only to immediately destroy his prize. Others may know him from this viral video. And a handful of you are thinking of the wrong Asher. But all can agree that Asher turning thirty is about as unlikely an event as anything that has happened in 2017 (too soon?).

So in honour of this auspicious occasion, I begged Ashie to let me roast him in front of the family after his birthday dinner. I'm not saying I killed it, but even Granny Pat laughed. Here it is:

The Best Tweets of 2016

Not every year is good. But there's something good in every year. Here are the best tweets of 2016.

I went to Hamilton and all you got was this lousy blog post

“Ay Mama, what do you do when your dreams come true?” Write a (short) blog post, of course!

• I was too nervous to read my program. 
• When the house lights dimmed, the whole audience gasped as one. 
• Chris Jackson’s voice somehow sounds even better in person.
• People are constantly writing with quills, but they never have ink. 
• If Satisfied was its own show, it would win the Tony for Best Musical. 
• Cabinet Battle #1 is so much fun live. 
• The part of Aaron Burr is so well written, I root for him. Off that immigrant, Burr! 
• You can just see the tops of Alex Lacamoire’s curls bouncing in the orchestra pit. 
• The Les Mis turntable should take notes from the Hamilton turntable. 
• If you can see through your tears at the line “they row him back across the Hudson,” you’ll be rewarded. 
• They change coats in this show as often as they change shoes in Billy Elliot. 
• The curtain call is infuriatingly short. 
• I bought a magnet just to be sure it wasn’t all a dream. 

"How lucky we are to be alive right now."  

The Best Tweets of 2015

Better luck next year, Ashie.

That's Smee in the corner - REM watching Hook

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 4, 2015

this one has claws This one swims but can't fly This one is huge & runs funny This one bangs his head against trees - god making birds

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 18, 2015

A lack of female role models is exactly what stopped me from going into the ghostbusting industry

— Jewel Galbraith (@jewelfg) January 30, 2015

You're glasses lenses are just going to transition and I'm not supposed to say anything

— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) February 11, 2015

*Lady rolls down her car window at 181st street* "congrats on HAMLET!" Me: "I WISH I wrote Hamlet!" Lady: "Yay HAMLET!" *drives away* #myday

— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) February 19, 2015

I feel like 20% of Julie Andrews' days is waiting for standing ovations to be over when she enters a room.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 23, 2015

approximately 12 of you are hydrated to my standards

— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 5, 2015

Someday I'll be telling my daughters about the time we all slowly switched allegiance from Tina Fey to Amy Poehler.

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) March 10, 2015

every single republican candidate for president looks like they would pick mario in mario kart

— leon (@leyawn) April 7, 2015

*mom puts hand on son's forehead* SON: Do I feel warm? MOM: Huh? Oh, no I just didn't want to see your forehead anymore. I hate it.

— Rob Tanchum (@tanch) April 29, 2015

Hard to take war seriously when every country has their own fancy song

— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) May 3, 2015

End every argument by whispering "Don't believe me? Ask the dishes" in a subtle Lumière accent.

— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) May 12, 2015

my boggart would definitely be a spider that could only be defeated by me calling a stranger on the phone and leaving them a voicemail.

— Hailey Mae Samuels (@btwhaileymae) May 13, 2015

DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015

ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 26, 2015

If we could bottle the chemistry between Rosie O'Donnell & Madonna in A League Of Their Own we could power the fucking sun

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 2, 2015

Jurassic World would be 1000 times more interesting if Chris Pratt's and Bryce Dallas Howard's roles were reversed.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) June 11, 2015

look i'm the exact personality of like a fat old cartoon mouse who was once a rascal

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 22, 2015

"I need you to stop partying and take care of your family" Umm wow more like anti-social worker

— ♡Handsome Tweet Guy♡ (@SortaBad) July 2, 2015

Taylor Swift brought out stricter gun control laws as a surprise at her concert last night!

— Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) August 27, 2015

Man Against Gender Neutral Bathrooms Exposed to have Gender Neutral Bathroom in Own Home

— Smol Blue Friend (@RynnyRyn) September 6, 2015

Probably the first time a question has been answered with: "Either Ivanka Trump or Rosa Parks." #GOPDebate

— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) September 17, 2015

Is it wheelchair accessible https://t.co/Aua4DMd6Ep

— Lauren Collins (@Lauren_Collins) September 18, 2015

I'm not catholic, but I do believe that bread is people.

— matt prindle (@GriefBison) September 29, 2015

- much ado about nothing - 2 much 2 nothing - much ado 3: toyko drift - much nothing - much 5 - much ado 6 - nothing 7

— Gold Mantis (@fujichia) October 1, 2015

Can someone just tell Dr. Ben Carson that it's called "performing surgery" not "stabbing"?

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 13, 2015

One of the best things about all the stuff at the park is that the name is also instructions.

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 6, 2015

Donald Trump is a fan of the New England Patriots and nothing in this whole dumb world has ever made more sense than that.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) December 14, 2015

I bet centaurs would be so good at dressage but they'd be very offended if you asked them to do it.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 18, 2015